A Coherent Response to My Latest Post
Hey folks. I figured it would be relevant to give anyone who cares a systematic and rational apology for the recent strange behavior and or writings that I may have facilitated or generated.
A couple days ago I posted a blog about living with Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you read that post you became privy to some strange and or irrational and incoherent ramblings. I have never been, in the past or currently, diagnosed with DID by a medical practitioner. I am not a danger to myself or others. Thank you to all those who have been praying for me or my wife and children. I appreciate it greatly.
I have no reason to believe that I am mentally unfit for the labor of living in my current condition. With this being said, it is clear to me that my behavior will be perceived as a breach of rational thought and my responses to stimuli may appear to be incongruous with common societal norms. I am not one for giving much weight to self-diagnosis (though if you know me you might understand that I at sometimes ponder such things.) The most rational conclusion I can currently come to is that I have recently broken the near seamless continuity of person that I have worked a great deal to maintain from a young age.
I would like to say that my latest blog post was only evidence of an aberration but to say so would work only to delude myself and others. I have been aware from a young age of a tendency for me to hide my true feelings or thoughts and substitute a censored version or a complete mistruth. To put it otherwise, I am a habitual liar.
As for my use of the phrase "continuity of person" I mean only to say that there are things that I may think or feel that I do not openly present to others. Because I know myself to be given to lying, I will do my best to hold my own understanding with equal skepticism that I hold other possible understanding. By this, I mean that I have reason to believe that I have been inhabited by different persons who seem to think or feel in ways completely foreign to me. This has led me to believe I am either crazy and figmenting persons for my own self that I use to meet my own ends, or that I suffer from some probable diagnosis on the spectrum of dissociation.
If it truly is to be that I have some sort of condition in which I am overtaken by some other identity, I have come to the conclusion that I am not what I know to be the "Keeper" or "Host". I prefer to look at this as the "seat of being" of the person. I have come to this conclusion due to several things of which include: 1. I have the knowledge of experience of memories that I do not currently have access to. 2. I understand that I have experienced emotions that feel especially foreign to my personal understanding of my character as well as much more profound than I have otherwise experienced. 3. I understand that I have thought in a way that is foreign to me and seems to exceed my natural abilities and intellect.
With this third statement, I would like to remark that I believe myself to be of natural and reasonable intellect and by no means extraordinary in any certain manner. However, I also believe myself to be able to recognize the thoughts expressed by those who exceed my intellectual abilities. And these thoughts which seem so naturally to flow from smart people are easily recognized by myself as thoughts that are beyond my initial ability to comprehend and are accordingly difficult to some extent or another for my mind to grasp. Knowing this, that I am naturally able to recognize thoughts higher than mine, I think it rational to be able to spot better thoughts than my own, whether they are had by others or whether they seem to be peculiar to some process in my own mind.
I have come to recently understand through the aforementioned written blog that it may be the case that whoever or whatever wrote such a blathering of words believes me to be what it calls "Shell", or "Sensor" (which I believe to be a poorly written form of Censor, being one who censors or edits).
It is only with regret that I am writing this article at all because it is clear that I've caused some sort of stirring among my friends and family. I'm sorry to draw attention to myself, and really find this behavior quite inexplicable. I have decided to leave this blog up because it would be only disingenuous to attempt to repudiate it as a "joke" or creative writing project. I honestly don't have any association with these words and I won't try to convince anyone as to any other probable solution for this erratic behavior.
I remember the act of the writing. I understand that I sat down and typed it up. I remember it in the same sense that you would remember that your spouse had taken the mayonnaise out of the fridge and opened the jar. I cannot explain the thoughts that were expressed or the reason for their expression.
Lastly, I would like to apologize to anyone who cares to read this. This all seems quite unbelievable to me, but I also know that I have expressed thoughts that I would say such a thing in response to this.