Thank you all for your help
My most heartfelt thanks to all that have supported me and my family lately! Trinity Church, you have been a very dear help to me and I will do my best in the coming months and years to bless those who have blessed me. Thank you to the incredible group of friends that have surrounded my family and me. Thank you for the "intervention" you all staged at my house that one night! Thank you to my family, my father, and mother, who, although unwitting of the turmoil and the damage I've carried for so long, have worked to ease my burden to the best of their ability.
The Lord has made himself so close to me in these last few months. So much so that it has put me in tremendous fear. There is an inward complexity about myself that I do not understand; the ways in which the human mind is capable of coping with soul-shattering trauma, especially at a young age. It is in this complexity of mind that I have found myself to be at odds with the redemption that has been born in my soul, the good news is that I've made considerable progress.
I have an extremely vivid memory from my childhood, after having suffered so gruesomely, the first among many times, at the members of my abuser. My soul being torn to shreds and my body defiled, I experienced the most blessed comfort in my soul, rays of warm light filled my three-year-old infant-brain. I have had so many helpers on my way, but my first Helper was God himself who comforted me in my deepest distress.
I often wonder how it is that I have managed to come away so unscathed from my experience. Recently, I have sought out those who have had similar experiences as to me. I've found almost wholly that they've not got the beautiful wife that have I, nor the children whose eyes sparkle with such radiant delight.
It's me that is a strange breed. I find it so wretched that the Lord would give me such good things when others more greatly afflicted have been given so much less. I find it strange that the Lord would give me the faculties and grace to process my trauma in the way that I have; to be able to communicate the depths of human suffering to those in the land of the living.
I straddle an eerie divide: those who excel in life, who are productive, efficient, helpful, virtuous; over against those who have been crushed, obliterated, sinned greatly against, and of those who have sinned greatly against others, self-harming, self-serving, self-consuming, incredulous, and inconsolable.
I find myself in the midst of both, and the righteous are there in each camp. The righteous many times have not been afflicted, and the righteous many times excel. The righteous live good lives of virtue, eschewing evil and doing good, and heaping up reward. And the righteous are also found among the deeply distressed, the lowly and scorned, the back-sliders and demented; the righteous are found even among those who have raped the little children, as I the child was raped.
I find this to be a grand mystery, that someone like me could be saved; a wicked wretch and sinner that I am, born to be defiled, and to suffer the loss of all grace which accompanies childhood. But how wicked is it that the one who rapes the child, as I the child was raped, could know righteousness as well. And to see this wicked salvation as the wisdom of God? People vex themselves with trifles all the days of their life. I vex myself with grace.
I find my life is an experiment in the wisdom of God. I am so full of broken parts. I break more each day. I hurt for children in their distress. I raise my fist skyward pleading that the High King of Heaven would show himself merciful and save the distressed. I am full of sin and contempt for right-doing. I routinely ask the Lord to judge me for my sins, to give me justice and not his wicked grace. Wretched man that I am. I'm overfull for my age, I'm only twenty-five. As I've grown wiser, I've found my words to be more contemptible to my own self.
If you plan to read me further on, realize you'll find more of this tension in my soul. May the Lord bless you richly, and keep yourselves from idols!